Still Spinning My Wheels

Today is better. I am not sure why. I still feel trapped but more hopeful. I just wish I could open up. I wish I could be me. I feel myself slipping and I am afraid I will not be able to stop the fall. I fear I will cycle down and crash. I do not want this cycle to spin out of control. Maybe it will be okay when he gets home. It is just so easy to go back to the old habits when I am alone. Although I tend to even feel alone when he is in town. I can not be honest. It will not accomplish anything. It will only serve to make me feel like a failure. It will only make him worry. I want to be all everyone wants me to be but I also want to find myself. I can not meet his expectations but can not tell him it is all too much. Maybe it will get better. Maybe the fog will lift and I will be able to be all I am needed to be. I just wish someone could take on some of the responsibility. This makes me feel like such a child. I just wish he could see that I need a little help here. It is odd that the healthier I get the more I get dumped on me. It was all totally dumped and he never asks how I am or if I am coping. He really does not want to know. As long as he thinks I am and life is okay he is happy. It does not matter that I feel like I am sinking some days. I just must keep everyone happy. This is my role. As long as everyone else is happy then at least half the equation is correct and someone is happy. I suppose this is better than everyone and everything being out of balance. After everything I have put everyone through maybe I do not deserve more than this.

Where Am I Going?

I have to wonder where I am going in life? What do I really want? It is most definitely not what everyone thinks I want. I live a lie. I pretend simply to make others happy but still hide in my own private world. I even tend to often fool myself but in the quiet I know how I feel but can not share it. To voice it would only anger others and make me look horrible. I do not want my life. I just accept that it is. It could be much worse. I know I am blessed. I get it. I hear it over and over. I have been told how lucky I am. Am I simply ungrateful and just refuse to be content? Do I live with the "glass half empty" concept? Do I accept that because things are so much better than one and two years ago that life is good? Do I accept that my life is good and I should be content because this is what I am told? Am I selfish or do I deserve more? Is my life full and wonderful and I am simply too blind to see it. I still feel so much I can not share. I still feel like I am going under but I must trod on like the dutiful little soldier. I do not deserve what I have really so maybe I should just suck it up and realize this is my life. My world was once so crazy and I made others so miserable. My choices hurt so many but do I deserve more? Am I selfish for feeling discontent and sad or should I be grateful and live this life as expected? I share more than ever yet I also seem to shut down and just accept that this is life. No one realizes I shut down any more. I have everyone fooled. Where am I going? Do I want and deserve more? Or am I simply a selfish person that is never going to be content with my life?