Where Am I Going?

I have to wonder where I am going in life? What do I really want? It is most definitely not what everyone thinks I want. I live a lie. I pretend simply to make others happy but still hide in my own private world. I even tend to often fool myself but in the quiet I know how I feel but can not share it. To voice it would only anger others and make me look horrible. I do not want my life. I just accept that it is. It could be much worse. I know I am blessed. I get it. I hear it over and over. I have been told how lucky I am. Am I simply ungrateful and just refuse to be content? Do I live with the "glass half empty" concept? Do I accept that because things are so much better than one and two years ago that life is good? Do I accept that my life is good and I should be content because this is what I am told? Am I selfish or do I deserve more? Is my life full and wonderful and I am simply too blind to see it. I still feel so much I can not share. I still feel like I am going under but I must trod on like the dutiful little soldier. I do not deserve what I have really so maybe I should just suck it up and realize this is my life. My world was once so crazy and I made others so miserable. My choices hurt so many but do I deserve more? Am I selfish for feeling discontent and sad or should I be grateful and live this life as expected? I share more than ever yet I also seem to shut down and just accept that this is life. No one realizes I shut down any more. I have everyone fooled. Where am I going? Do I want and deserve more? Or am I simply a selfish person that is never going to be content with my life?