Still Spinning My Wheels

Today is better. I am not sure why. I still feel trapped but more hopeful. I just wish I could open up. I wish I could be me. I feel myself slipping and I am afraid I will not be able to stop the fall. I fear I will cycle down and crash. I do not want this cycle to spin out of control. Maybe it will be okay when he gets home. It is just so easy to go back to the old habits when I am alone. Although I tend to even feel alone when he is in town. I can not be honest. It will not accomplish anything. It will only serve to make me feel like a failure. It will only make him worry. I want to be all everyone wants me to be but I also want to find myself. I can not meet his expectations but can not tell him it is all too much. Maybe it will get better. Maybe the fog will lift and I will be able to be all I am needed to be. I just wish someone could take on some of the responsibility. This makes me feel like such a child. I just wish he could see that I need a little help here. It is odd that the healthier I get the more I get dumped on me. It was all totally dumped and he never asks how I am or if I am coping. He really does not want to know. As long as he thinks I am and life is okay he is happy. It does not matter that I feel like I am sinking some days. I just must keep everyone happy. This is my role. As long as everyone else is happy then at least half the equation is correct and someone is happy. I suppose this is better than everyone and everything being out of balance. After everything I have put everyone through maybe I do not deserve more than this.